Patience and Waiting: My Two Year Lesson (part 2 of 3) October 7, 2009
Article submitted by Melissa Twitchell/
Photo by Tammy Circeo
Year Two & Rock Bottom
As I said, I was learning to rely on God and knew that He had ultimate control on when we became parents but was having a hard time with this possible diagnosis and what that would ultimately mean for us. Last October, I didn’t know how to handle this news and how we were supposed to proceed with starting our family. I felt just side-swiped by it. The questions and the possibility of further delays came crashing down around me, along with this new grief caused by the possibility of never being able to naturally conceive.
Biologically conceiving wasn’t our only plan for having a family. Did we start the adoption process right away? If so, which route would be right for us and according to God’s plan? International, private, foster-care adopt? Or one of the newer processes like embryo adoption? Did we wait and see if this surgery side effect would be permanent? We were going to see some specialists that might give us these answers and maybe some new solutions. Did we continue with trying to conceive with the use of IVF? If so, how would we afford this? How would we afford adoption?
During this turmoil, I took a day and went to Rosary Heights for a day of reflection on what God had taught me so far and to ask Him what He wanted us to do next. I remember very clearly the message and peace that came to me that day. God gave me a very simple answer…”Wait.” When I heard this, I experienced that peace that “surpasses any understanding.” I was fine for the first time in the process with waiting. I knew that we’d get more information in a few months and could use this time to focus on John’s healing process and I could continue my transformation. For three months, I was at peace and was doing nothing…I was patiently waiting.
Then January 2009 came to mind as the month that would start things up again. John would be done seeing his specialists and he’d be done following their suggestions. We’d have a final answer on his situation. January was the month that Presentation Sunday (Cedar Park) would occur. It was also the month where we’d start talking about IVF and adoption and start researching the different paths. It seemed innocent enough. I wasn’t expecting that we’d have all the answers in January, but figured that God would start to lead us according to His plan during this time. I remember starting to pray in December that God would make the right path very clear. Though, I didn’t hear any response to these prayers. I continued in belief that God would eventually make it clear.
February came and with it a lot of grief and heartache. I have to say that this was one of the lowest points in my life. In the beginning of February, we were informed that John’s side effect was very likely permanent and we’d need not only IVF but also another special procedure if we wanted to conceive. I thought I was ready for that news. I knew that this was a strong possibility but for whatever reason it opened my existing wound and started my grieving again.
Soon after I had my co-worker tell me that she was pregnant. I was happy for her but was another hit that brought with it renewed grief at my own situation. How was I going to deal with the attention on her pregnancy for the next nine months without it affecting me?
Over the next couple of weeks, John and I agreed to start the adoption process. I started to contact adoption agencies and make inquires about the process and requirements. When we reviewed my research, we realized we would need to wait a year and continue getting our finances in control during that time. This was crushing for me because we were waiting a year to start and most adoptions range from anywhere from 6 months to two years to complete. We were looking at anywhere from 1.5 years to more than 3 years before we became parents and even that wasn’t a guarantee. Plus, this was only for our first child. We wanted three, if not four. I remember crying out to God, “When? How much longer? Are we even meant to be parents? Are You trying to tell me something?” There is no biblical promise that God will make every woman a mother. Could I handle that? Could I be satisfied with my relationship with God, my marriage and the other blessings in my life?
You’d think that this would be enough soul hitting hits in a month with only 28 days but it wasn’t. My best friend called me and told me she was pregnant. She did it in a way that didn’t allow me to hide my grief while being happy for her. She also represented the last woman in my life who was trying to be a mom either for the first time or again. I had several women in my life that during these two years where trying to start or add to their family. I was the literally the last women in my life circle that was not a mom yet. Not only that… it wasn’t looking like I was going to be one anytime soon.
I felt alone in my journey and at this point, I was at the bottom. I continued to grieve deeply for a few more weeks.
Editor’s note: as stated above, this is post 2 of 3; see Friday’s post for the next step in Melissa’s journey.
