article by Maria Loesell/photo by Christiana Childers
This summer I came to a place where the expectations I had for my 26 year old life were not the reality. And I didn’t know what to do. I hit rock bottom… and I hit hard. I am a visionary, a go-doer, a go-getter – and for all I tried to “go-get”, I came back empty and discouraged. And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why God wasn’t helping me. God had given me such passions and desires in my life and I couldn’t stop from thinking, “Why aren’t you doing your part here, God? Why aren’t You giving me the desires of my heart like you promised? Why have you placed such strong passions in my heart but aren’t seeing them through?” I honestly thought God was torturing me. And then the darkness blinded me, and I sat alone and miserable.
“Uh, Shattered Dreams. Maybe I should read that book.” The book was lying on Pastor Wayne’s desk. I had already given up on life, on my desires and passions, but a glimmer of hope pressed through that day as I took the book home with me.
“Shattered Dreams” has rocked and changed my world! I had all these dreams for my life – all great and Godly dreams – and when they would shatter, I would get discouraged, give up, and then dust myself up and start dreaming again. Looking back at my journal entries in the last couple years, I am struck at how many times I desire something SO bad and I push and push and push, come back empty, give-up, and I want nothing more than out of that situation, nothing more than an escape. I realized SOMETHING needed to change, and I knew that it wouldn’t be my circumstances. That SOMETHING needed to be my reaction to my shattered dreams. Dreams will shatter, that’s inevitable. My new reaction needed to be stemmed from the knowledge that my ultimate desire and passion needs to be for my God and that when my dreams shatter, only lesser desires shatter because God is my ultimate desire. See, I had it all backwards. My dreams and desires to live in Africa and eradicate HIV/AIDS through health education and program developing became my focus; my dreams to become a mom had become my focus; my dreams for a job in public health had become my focus. These dreams became EVERYTHING that I lived for and when I woke up on my 26th birthday and my life was nowhere near to my ideal of a life, my world shattered.
And out of this darkness and very painful time in my life and through the book, God spoke. In the absolute darkest time of my life, I began to see God’s orchestrated plan. I was allowed to grieve my loss and sit deep in my pain. I didn’t allow anyone to tell me to “get over it.” I allowed myself to feel my deep pain and ache. And in the deep ache in my heart, I realized that Jesus is enough. He is enough despite my circumstances; despite the fact that my dreams may never come to life. He is good and He is enough. Joy has bubbled forth from the deep ache in my heart. I have peace and joy like I have never experienced before. None of my circumstances have changed, but I have God and that is all I need.
Life is hard. Shattered dreams stay shattered. But God continues to remind me that He is enough. And in those times I doubt or am discouraged, I repeat the Lord’s prayer – Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread – Jesus, give me enough to live out this day. As I kept reciting the Lord’s Prayer in my head, my mind kept trying to recite Psalm 23. And so I designed this:
Our Father who is in heaven
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
Hallowed be Your name
He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside still waters
Your Kingdom come
He restores my soul; He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake
Your will be done
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
On earth as it is in heaven
I fear no evil, for You are with me
Give us this day our daily bread
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me
And forgive us our debts
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies
As we also have forgiven our debtors
You have anointed my head with oil; my cup overflows
And do not lead us into temptation
Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life
But deliver us from evil
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever
For Yours is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever.
AMEN
