Women’s Ministries

A Story with My God November 11, 2009

article by Lauren Neal/photo by Christiana Childers

I had a cancer scare last February. Breast cancer. I am 33 years old. That isn’t supposed to happen when you’re 33 and a busy mom of 3.

Briefly, the story is sort of comical (now). Had a pain, MD felt a lump, she sent me for a mammo, they sent me for an ultrasound, they sent me for a breast aspiration, they sent me for a breast biopsy.  At each “stop”, the person that was treating me said, “Oh, but I’m sure you won’t have to get a….whatever” the next thing was, but then I DID! And, if you’re ever treated for anything like this at Evergreen Hospital, the hospital gets darker, and more ominous the further in you get. The cute little mammogram office, turns into a windowless, smelly biopsy room. It felt cold, lonely, and desolate. When I was waiting for my ultrasound, I even plopped down on the couch, only to turn and see a copy of a ‘Seattle’ magazine, with the “Top Seattle Cancer MDs” Seriously, God? Not funny.

Well, as you may have guessed, I was “fine”. By fine, I mean that I didn’t have cancer. However, somehow, I came out of that experience very angry. It surprised me. What kind of ungrateful person gets a good cancer report and comes out angry? Me, I guess. I wandered around for about 2 weeks asking God why I was so angry.

First of all, I realized that I had a very “do you know who I am?” type attitude. In that, I am:

1. Young
2. Busy
3. A mom of 3 kids, who isn’t dying right now
4. Have no time for any kind of tests, let alone time to come to any future treatments!

Secondly, and I think the more true answer, I was scared out of my socks. I often say that God gives us little “pop quizzes”….sometimes I pass, and sometimes I fail—miserably. This one I failed. God was loving me. He wanted me to draw to Him. I did. When you fear a cancer diagnosis, and facing the possible “reorganization” of your life, you start to draw near to Him.

As with most women, I am capable, responsible, and independent–of God. I mean, sure He provides for me, but…I’ve got it from here…thanks God! No. I was angry because He was pulling me closer into His lap, and it stung. It stung my pride. As soon as I realized that He was pulling me closer, the pain and anger dissipated. The gratefulness overtook my emotions, and I felt repentant for my attitude.

God may give me breast cancer, someday, but when/if that happens, I will keenly remember this “pop quiz”, so that I can (hopefully) pass the “big test”.  But, let’s be honest…I’ll probably fail then, too. However, I will have had more years, in my story with my God, to draw from…and God will never fail.

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