article and photo by Tammy Circeo
As a young homemaker and mom, I had all kinds of decorating ideas for my children’s rooms. For the girls, I always thought I would decorate with a vintage flair. You know, pink, chenille, chandeliers … VERY girly, very ME!
For the record, I’ve never been able to decorate my daughters’ rooms that way. Just as I got the pink paint can open for my first daughter’s room, her dad took her to Home Depot to ‘pick out wallpaper and paint’. Keep in mind that she was only about 18 months old, had her daddy wrapped around her little finger, and furthermore, had her own little ideas of what she wanted in her room. They came back with primary colored stripes and …
…Sesame Street Character Wall Border!
The conversation that ensued between my husband and me went something like this:
ME: “Primary colors? Really? What about PINK? And girly stuff? And NOTHING TV or character-related?! This isn’t what I wanted!”
My gentle husband said, “Well, Sweetie, this is what EMILY picked out.”
My reaction wasn’t because I am against Sesame Street at all! Sesame Street saved my sanity on more days than I care to admit! But, I’m pretty sure if I’d been at Home Depot with her, I would’ve been able to gently persuade her towards pink hues, soft edges, a bit of lace …
I’m sure I could’ve done that.
Yeah, pretty sure I could’ve.
My husband understood that it wasn’t a hill to die on, especially with a child of 18 months of age! Did it matter really? Pink and frills versus primary colors and characters?
But for me, the mom, the home decorator, the homemaker … this was a twist on my vision. I had my own ideas and thoughts. I wanted my little girls’ rooms to be what *I* wanted.
I should’ve seen this as a red flag about my control issues. But it has taken many more experiences and warnings, especially my children entering the teen years, for me to realize that my ideas of parenting were way off base!
Contrary to what I thought and what many parents of young children believe, parenting is not about controlling another human. We tend to think that if we can control their behavior and teach them to respond to us the way we desire, then we must be good parents, right?
That might work until the child hits roughly 11 years old or so, the time that these sweet babies start sprouting wings and discovering who they are, what life is all about, and whether this whole ‘spiritual’ stuff that mom and dad have been flapping about has any weight. This is the time that they try to fly the coop, making their own identity known. We know they are not ready to go anywhere yet, but our guiding through the next phase is what MAKES them ready. It seems to be an overwhelmingly hard time for parents.
The whole wing-testing thing can easily blindside us parents and cause us to wonder what we got ourselves into! We start asking, “Who is this questioning human standing in front of me with attitude and what have you done with my beautiful little baby?!”
I’m going to be a bit radical and stand up in defense of those beautiful babies that are now questioning humans with attitude … And I’m going to tell us parents, “Embrace that attitude! Accept it! Love it! Learn from it! Teach to it!” Understand that what we as adults see as “attitude” is more immaturity than rebellion. It is wing-testing, God-ordained, and totally normal in the growth process.
In case you think that by encouraging the acceptance of “attitude”, I’m also advocating disrespect of parents, I will put an end to that thought! That should not be allowed, but respect must be earned. Keeping our fleshly selves out of the picture and allowing God to shine through us will encourage our children to seek God. Our actions, rather than our words, will demand the respect. Ephesians 5 encourages us to “be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live a life of love”. As we imitate God, and work through our human weaknesses, our children can be drawn to God.
Parenting, ultimately, has very little to nothing to do with the birth process or with our own perception of effective parenting. It is all about teaching our children how to grow up with God’s power. It’s about realizing that we are an instrument used by God to bring another human to responsible adulthood.
Sometimes it means allowing our kids to make mistakes, not voicing our own opinions, and allowing their questions. I believe that parenting teens requires providing a path for our children to follow, being their cheerleader, and most importantly their mentor as they test their God-given wings.
As a collector of quotes and lover of words, I find the following to be the embodiment of my raising teens experience: “All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” Henry Ellis
May God give me wisdom to do both at the appropriate times.
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